Media Your Kids Should Watch to See Women as Equals

I know it’s often debated what shows are kid friendly enough.  I can’t even count how psycho moms, who had nothing better to do than pick apart my parenting (as complete strangers, no less), would berate me for letting my kids watch SpongeBob.  I suppose they always felt entitled to do so, because I am a combination of a young mother and a person with a natural yell-at-this-b*tch face, so I always seemed to be given unsolicited advice back when I was too afraid to speak up and risk causing a stir.  I mean, what did I know, right?  Who was I to talk back to these middle aged harpies and tell them to shut up?  But, these days, I’ve learned that there is no perfect way to parent, and being super strict or super relaxed at home won’t guarantee anything about your children’s future. I’ve also noticed that, as my daughter became school aged, boys have already been pre-programmed to degrade her based on her looks and intelligence level (“you’re ugly,” “only stupid people like Frozen,” etc).  I don’t have to wonder where boys get this idea, because I’ve seen multiple mothers in functions try to demean their sons by saying things like “look at that, a girl did _____ before you!  You’re supposed to be smarter/stronger/better than girls!”  These retarded mothers say it so matter-of-factly, as if they truly believe boys are so much better than girls at everything.  It’s as if these mother’s tiny brains have no other way to motivate their sons than by teaching them to see little girls as lesser beings.  And, much as I, at 20, thought I had no right to question the SpongeBob haters, I’m certain that these boys at 5-6 years old likewise believe that their mothers are sharing valuable, true, and valid life lessons with them.  However, I dare to dream that media influences can make a difference, if we help our children find role models in characters that don’t lust over girls or worry about who to date. Below are the list of shows that I have encouraged my children to watch over the past few years.  I always try to find shows that teach them to think differently, shows that portray women as real, important characters and not sexual objects, and show that offer good morale examples that aren’t religion specific (let’s be honest, there are lots of bad Christians in the world, and a lot of good Muslims that aren’t terrorists, so believing in a particular faith doesn’t make you a better or worse person by default).  Use your own discretion for age appropriateness, buy my kids are 9 and 6 as of this post.

• My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic.  Not only is this show silly and fun, but there is a lot of subtext about being a good friend and what that means.  Loyalty, bravery, honesty, courage – those are just a few of the things that can be learned by watching the show.  I have used this show as an example to my Girl Scout troop that there is more than one way to be a girl!  You do not have to fit into a mold, and being different is what makes life beautiful.  I also highly recommend it for BOYS AND GIRLS because I think it’s ridiculous to tell girls it’s okay to like Ninja Turtles, but to tell boys it’s not okay to like shows with all female leads – and the messages about acceptance and friendship ring true no matter what your gender!  So, break down those social barriers and tell your sons that it’s alright to be a Brony – even if your son is 45 and lives in the basement…

• Pokemon (any series).  Pokemon has been on the air since the mid-90s, and even the Pope (a few Pope’s ago) said he thought this was a good show that taught children about loyalty and friendship.  There has been hype from different groups that Pokemon promotes slavery and animal abuse, but these morons have clearly never watched the show.  The main character, Ash, is constantly releasing Pokemon if they find a better opportunity in life (training, being with others like itself, etc), and he has repeatedly risked his life to save Pokemon that he never even wanted to catch.  The show in general has a spirit of persistence, because Ash rarely ever wins a tournament, but he keeps trying and having internal monologues about not giving up.  I also enjoy that Ash always has several friends on his journey, and at least one of them is always a female who is usually a better Pokemon trainer than Ash.  Some of the girls develop a crush on Ash, but no romantic relationships ever develop in the main plot of the show (at least not between people, Butterfree was released to go find true love and all).  Plus, if your children take to Pokemon they may turn that into more real-life friendships, as Pokemon the card and video game have Leagues all over the world where people of all ages can play together.

• Avatar:  The Legend of Korra.  This is the second in the Avatar series, and I have to say that it has sucked me into an obsession vortex.  The show is very stylistic, offers cool technology, and interesting animals – not to mention that most of the characters have a super-power-like ability where they can bend the elements while performing martial arts-type katas (some control water, others can shoot fire from their fists, etc).  There is also plenty of opportunity to learn about adversity, beating the odds, and that a girl can be the most powerful force in the world.  The Avatar, Korra, doesn’t fixate on hair, or make-up, or losing weight (not all the empty, shallow junk you’ll get in a lot of shows starring a girl); she is a highly trained master who is the ultimate balancing force between good and evil, and she takes her position seriously.  Plus, the Avatars are reincarnated continuously, and the current Avatar is a young woman of color, however, more interestingly, every other Avatar in history has been a woman (not as in every single one, but every odd numbered one).  Using Asian principles of morality in their story lines (rooted in teachings from Buddhism and Taoism, but no religions are described or exclusively used), this show is really unbeatable in terms of intrigue and teaching kids not only how to do the right thing, but why you do it as well.  Now, there was some controversy about Korra coming out of the closet on the final episode.  I have to say that I saw the finale, and I did not interpret it the ending that way, so, if for any reason that is an issue for you, I will note that, if I (an adult who has a BA in Film and has written dozens of papers about how each movement on screen means something) didn’t catch it, your kids are not going to be “exposed” to anything.  I’ve also heard rave reviews for the first series, Avatar:  The Last Air Bender, unfortunately, my kids were babies when that show was out so I still haven’t caught it.

• Dr. Who.  While this show first aired over 50 years ago, I recommend starting at the series reboot in 2005.  While there are plot holes in many episodes that are big enough to walk through, Dr. Who is about a time traveler and his companions that go all over space and time to help others and fix problems.  Interestingly enough, the Doctor is never interested in any of his companions romantically (he’s actually an alien, so he’s just not into humans).  Overall, a long-running series with almost no lovey-dovey stuff offers a great example to show kids that men and women can interact together without romantic expectations getting involved.  Growing up in my day, a male and female main character combo only meant one thing – a marriage was on the horizon.  Maybe not right away, but before the finale they almost always get married.  I wouldn’t have even guessed that boys and girls could be friends and not lovers by the examples set by the media. The story lines of Dr. Who vary greatly, and the show is actually a record holder for having the most different topics.  This series not only gets kids interested in space, time, and technology, but it makes them question the world around them, which only leads to good things.  And, it also helps watchers deal with the notion of loss, which may also cause parents to review the shows themselves before deciding if it’s age appropriate for their children.  I’ve dubbed Dr. Who “the show that never has a nice ending,” because the Doctor always seems to leave things at least a little worse than he found them – but you move on and you learn how to deal with a companion leaving, or the Doctor changing forms, or some alien deformation that a person is permanently stuck with.  But, one of my favorite points about the show is that, no matter what happens, the Doctor believes in hope, but never violence.  He solves his problems with diplomacy, or finds a non-violent way to handle his adversaries.

• ReBoot.  This is a hard one to find these day, but it is one of my favorites.  The complete series is on DVD now, and the creative force of this show is worth the watch.  The show centers around the sprites that live in your computer and participate in games.  Think:  Tron meets the video game industry.  While the show is primarily goofy for the first two seasons, the advancing story line in season three is really worth hanging in for.  And there are three very strong female roles in this show.  It’s rare to find a Western-made show from the 90s or earlier where the girls are pivotal characters and not clunky stereotypes and last-ditch-efforts to get little girls to tune in.  Overall, it’s very different, with lots of older game and movie references, and sparking the imagination is never bad for kids.

• Miyazaki/Studio Ghibli films.  There are too many to list, but Howl’s Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Ponyo, and other films all center around young women and their inner strength to overcome the odds.  The films of Studio Ghibli also resemble what it would look like if imagination exploded onto paper in incredible detail.  One such movie, The Cat Returns, I found particularly interesting because the primary character, a male cat, cannot save his female friend (a human getting turned into a cat), SHE has to find the will power to save herself.  Check each film’s reviews and suggested age level for possible content issues, though; Grave of the Fireflies, for instance, is very powerful and both of the main characters die of starvation in World War II (it’s regarded as one of the saddest movies of all time), whereas a movie like My Neighbor Totoro is quirky and fun and really never gets to the point (the little girls’ mother is hospitalized, but they never really touch much on that issue).

• Brave.  Frozen has a big message of sisterhood over boys, but not really if you’re paying attention.  Sure, Anna risks her life to save Elsa, but lets look at what else is happening around her.  Anna falls in love with Hans in one night, and when she learns that he’s evil, what does she do?  Oh, she’s ready to go after Kristoff because she hears he likes her.  And, ultimately, they end up together, because, ya know, Anna doesn’t need to rebuild her relationship with her estranged sister, or take on some of the burdens of leadership, she needs a new guy to cloud her judgement at a sensitive time in her life, yet again (nice as he may be, this time).  It just sends a convoluted messages that basically tells girls to end up being boy crazy.  Brave does a much better job of demoting the romantic love story in a film, because Merida hates all of her suitors and the film ends without her having a single shred of emotional attachment to any of them.

• How to Train Your Dragon 2.  While this one is a typical guy-loves-pet story, you have to love Astrid, the female lead, is the biggest bad a$$ in the village.  And, even though Astrid is dating the main character, there is an interesting, complex story that unfold as Hiccup’s mother resurfaces.  (SPOILERS!  STOP READING NOW IF YOU AREN’T CAUGHT UP!)  Turns out, his mother was alive all this time, and just doing her own thing – free and independent.  She chose her work with dragons over her family, and she isn’t particularly apologetic or guilty about that.  Considering that most women are instilled with the crushing knowledge that they must sacrifice everything in their life to have children (bye bye friends, careers, personal goals, etc), it’s definitely a shoot off from the norm to have a mom be more than just a boring, wait-around-the-house-making-dinner kind of mother.  Another interesting character is Ruffnut, the female twin in the film.  When boys lust after her, she ignores them.  However, when she spies a boy she likes, she goes after him and makes semi-lude comments about him, making the man very upset and uncomfortable.  I have to admit that I love this shoe-on-the-other-foot scenario, and maybe it will make some boys think twice about growing up to treat women like that.
• Steven Universe.  Okay, so, from everything I’ve seen, all the Gems (the all-powerful goddess-like figures) are all female.  Steven, however, is half gem, half human – his father is a well-meaning dolt, and his best/only friend is a smart girl from town.  Even though Steven is the primary character, this is a show about women kicking butt and saving the world while Steven is trying to learn from them and grow into that role.
• Adventure Time.  Again, this seems like another boy-centric show.  There is a lot of action, and the two main characters are male.  BUT, the ladies in the show are doing some pretty amazing things all around them.  Princess Bubblegum is not only a pretty-pretty princess, she is a brilliant scientist who is constantly worrying about her people and how to keep them safe while she builds her awesome devices.  Flame Princess overthrew her father and took over the Flame Kingdom, then promptly broke up with the main character, Finn, for lying to her.  Betty realized that her boyfriend turned into the crazy Ice King, so she came to the future to find a way to cure him alone.  And Marceline the Vampire Queen is about as tough of a girly-girl as you can get.  Not to mention any episodes where they do the Internet-gender-swap thing and the main characters turn into the females Fiona and Cake, who run around saving the day, and the princes.
• Young Justice.  M’gann M’orzz, Supergirl, Batgirl, Zatanna, Wondergirl, Artemis, and other young females of various power and talents save the world over and over again while dealing with body/self-esteem issues, boyfriends, and other normal girl problems.  There are definitely a lot more male characters in the show than females, but the girls are not there to be eye candy – they are active, important, and equal in every way.

There are probably a million other examples in media that I am not familiar with, but I hope you other parents agree that giving boys endless examples of how to be around females without having a superiority complex or a sexual motive is a good thing.  While your kids will also see plenty of bad examples in the media, you can still decide to take the opportunity to speak up against something that isn’t okay.  For example, I grew up watching Jem, a cartoon that’s similar to Hannah Montana, but the main character changes into a pop star with holograph-projecting earrings.  The crappy part of the series is that her boyfriend doesn’t know that these woman are the same person, and he starts a relationship with the pop star while dating the “regular” girl too, and Jem just puts up with it and never calls the boyfriend on his recurring, often inexplicable, anger issues!  The show teaches young girls to accept abusive, two-timing men and to keep loving them anyways – that is clearly an opportunity for parents to speak up and explain why that boyfriend needed to go.  Or, in The Croods, there is a scene where the flora and fauna make the mother character up by curling her hair, which makes her husband have a “wow-ee” moment.  This is a chance to tell your kids that a woman’s value isn’t based on what she looks like, and that changing your hair doesn’t make a man more interested in you. Girls will never be seen as true equals and as being capable of doing anything if the media doesn’t stop blasting standards and limitations at them – and that kind of mentality starts early and appears everywhere in our culture.  Being beautiful and having children are things that so many little girls grow up believing that they have to do, and it’s because they are pin-holed into those thoughts from the time they’re born.  Being a woman should mean whatever that individual woman wants it to mean.  If we don’t glorify alternative examples of how to live, then girls grow up thinking that you have to spend an hour in the bathroom before work to be “presentable,” and the worse thing in the world is if boys don’t like you, or how you should have to change for them.  Girls have so much more to offer if we show them there are endless options out there, and, since not everyone knows how to go about this, I say selecting the things they watch is an easy way to start paving the road to men and women having better respect towards each other.

“Tattletale! Tattletale!” says the Teacher

I have a new beef with the public school system and their claims for having zero tolerance against bullies.  In short, while school’s like to say things like this to keep parents happy, it’s not what they actually practice.  Instead, teachers still don the age old tactics of victim blaming to keep a quieter classroom by telling the students who report harassment and issues from other students as “tattletales.”

I’m not a teacher, but I have lead Girl Scouts on my own (as my co-leader thought all meetings were her “fun time” to catch up on texting), and kids are exhausting.  I couldn’t really imagine having twenty of them all day, five days a week, and the different challenges that brings on.  I also know what the tattletale kids act like, raising their hand to report every sneeze, every cross-eyed look, every person not doing what they’re supposed to do.  I know those kids exist, and, sooner or later, you have to start blowing them off and telling them to mind their own business and ignore certain actions of others.  However, when someone is reporting harassment or bullying, and you’re telling them to shut up and take it, that’s another story.

Enter my son, the bully magnet with thin skin.  There is one child in his classroom that even the teacher addresses as a severe problem student.  And, if this child gets called out on his behavior, he starts crying and wailing crocodile tears, at the top of his lungs, until the entire class has to come to a grinding halt to cater to him.  This child goes to some kind of new-aged, special ed class for a few hours a week, but all the rest of the time, he is there, with the regular kids, making their school experience Hell.

This single child is actually such a problem that the teacher has sent him to the office before just for the sake of telling all the other children that he’s awful, do not talk to him, do not look at him.  Things that, I would have to imagine, only a desperate teacher would say.  This kid has to be putting her at the end of her rope.

My son, V, tells me that he tried being this kid’s friend at first, thinking maybe if someone was nice to him it would “give him a reason to stop acting up for attention.”  For the three and a half weeks of the friendship, this other child just tormented my son. When V gets invited to an honors club, this other kid looks at his paper and tells V that he must be stupid if he needs help with algebra, because this other kid has already known it for years.  Now, this is the 4th grade, and, no, they don’t even teach algebra yet in the classroom.  This is some next level stuff here, and this kid is being a dick, plain and simple.  Or, the Book Bowl Club just isn’t enough of a challenge, because this kid claims to be able to read an entire chapter book in less than a day.  It’s stupid, juvenile stuff from a kid who clearly doesn’t have the intellect to walk and chew gum at the same time, but it hurts V’s feelings all the same.

They would sit together at lunch and the kid would pull, poke, and punch my kid until V would tell him “stop it, or I won’t be your friend any more!”  This resulted in the other child starting tantrum mode, crying, moving to the other side of the lunchroom, then screaming that V hit him when questioned by teachers.  Likewise, when they sit near each other in the pick up line and the teacher called out “who’s talking?!”  this kid would point at V, who would then get a tongue lashing from the teacher, even though his nose is always stuck in a book and he has very little interest in socializing with the other kids (seriously, he sits under a tree and reads at the majority of his recesses).

Now, I know my kid, he’s terrified of getting in trouble in any form, no matter how small, so he tends to walk a pretty straight line.  He’s not perfect, but, sadly, from experience, I know that he will stab himself with pencils to vent his frustrations at bullies before putting his hand on someone else (I’d honestly prefer the opposite, if that’s any better, really, but his stress is something we struggle to manage – Tae Kwon Do helps a lot).  I know this, I’ve been through it many times, but, as the new kid in school, his teachers do not.

Since V got irritated and scratched this other kid off of his friends list, the kid has just become more harassing.  He’ll call his name over and over again in class, trying to get V to talk to him/get him in trouble for talking.  Or, he’ll smack his books out of his hand when they’re walking.  Not to mention the constant degrading remarks about how V is stupid.  And, if V raises his hand and reports this harassment, the teachers say (and at least one teacher has confirmed this to my face), “____, stop hitting V.  V, stop being a tattletale!  If either of you keep it up, you’ll both get a strike!”

A strike is a derogatory mark that denotes how much recess you lose.  So, my son loses his steam for standing up to the kid and reporting the problems, because he’s afraid of getting his first strike ever (whereas he tells me this other kid gets “like 30 strikes a day!” – which I’m sure is at least slightly exaggerated).  But, what I am interested in knowing is why is my son reporting the harassment gets viewed on the same level as the person doing the harassing?  This isn’t solving the issue or having zero tolerance to bullying, this is telling the bully that he can hold his victims hostage, because the other kids can’t stop him without getting in trouble themselves!  How about the teacher just tells him straight out, “I don’t want to be bothered, now go away!”

I want to see the teachers’ side of this, I really do.  I know the teacher has already put the kid off in a desk on his own.  I know the kid visits the office regularly for bad behavior.  I know the teachers are all probably wishing that full time special needs programs were still something that the public schools allowed, so that children who had mental handicaps, delays, and behavioral/emotional issues weren’t ruining the learning experience for all the other children (forcing all the other children to move at the special needs pace while the teaching has to stop to cater to special needs).  But I also know that between this child and the kids who don’t speak English, the teacher is giving way too much of her time and attention to a few children instead of being able to teach them all.  I know this situation is more the fault of the school board than the teachers, yet, here we are all the same, and how the teacher handles the bullying behavior from a problem kid is not justifiable by any circumstances, even if the teacher has tried to contain the bully with failed methods.  If the behavior hasn’t stopped, the problem isn’t resolved!

Other than boldly proclaiming that the teachers have zero control in the classroom, rather than zero tolerance for bullies, there is no sensible explanation to this.  I, for one, am a parent that is sick to death of victim blaming, and I think that calling reporters “tattletales” and making sure that children having issues have no where to turn and no one to talk to in school is a dangerous, ridiculous path to go down.  I see this kind of behavior and how it isolates victims, and it does not make me wonder why things like Columbine happen – because teachers see and hear things, and they can’t even be bothered to have a sympathetic ear when someone reports being picked on.  Instead, they tell the victim that he’s part of the problem because he seeks out help from someone who is supposed to be a trusted adult.

Wow, I’m really glad that teachers aren’t counselors for battered women’s homes!  Could you imagine allowing that same mentality of victim shaming there?  “Well, you’re just as guilty for reporting your husband beating you to the police!”  “You should learn to work out your own problems with people instead of running away or asking other people to fix them for you!”  “You two used to be friends, so figure out your problems and move on!”  “Yes, I see him hitting you when he walks by, but what am I supposed to do about it?  I already moved his seat!”  It’s completely illogical to treat children this way while waving a Zero Tolerance for Bullies flag around the parents.  I can’t believe that there is nothing that can be done for this problem kid other than giving him free-range to torment other children.

The “Sick” Day

I just saw an interesting post on my Facebook newsfeed:  there was a mother looking for a way to craft a note so that she could try to argue with the school that a vacation to Disney World should be an excused absence, and that there are tons of educational opportunities within the Disney Parks.

It aggravates me that we, as parents, as a society, have handed over so much control to the government, and thereby the public school system, that we now have to justify why we want to do something with our own children.  It feels almost as if a parent wanting to take their child to Disney World is viewed the same as a parent who is burning their kids with cigarettes and blacking out their eyes.  They act like you are abusing your children if you plan a vacation during the school year, and they will, in many counties, get CPS and the courts involved for truancy.

I am not saying that school is not important, but I would go as far as to say that school THINKS it’s the most important thing in the universe, and it is certainly not.  There are other things to experience in life, aside from 9 hours of daily schooling and homework, as a child.  If anything, I would suggest that schooling often cripples a child’s ability to learn and be creative, as I have seen with my own daughter and this Common Core nonsense, where she’s afraid to attempt to sound of words, because it’s not allowed in school.  I’m sorry, but who decided that 6 year old children should memorize words instead of learn to read them phonetically?  That’s stupid, and it may create a generation of semi-illiterate citizens who can’t read any words that weren’t on their charts growing up.  It’s like telling kids to memorize the times tables without explaining to them how they work – it becomes damaging when you get into higher mathematics.

I’m not sure how we’re letting all this happen, and how parents aren’t storming their local school boards with torches and pitch forks, demanding that the students learning be placed above textbook companies lobbying for curriculum changes.  I’m also not sure why a parent can be outranked by a public school employee in terms of how they choose to raise their children.  Why do I even need to ask the school for permission to take my child to flipping Walt Disney World?  And why do they get the right to tell me “no,” threaten to get CPS involved for missing school, and/or not allow my children to make up a test that occurred during their absence if they choose to frivolously label that absence as “unexcused?”

I remember K-12 very clearly.  I remember being told non-stop by my parents and teachers that school and the education I would get there was more important than anything else.  So, I bought into what I was sold.  I always studied hard, did extra-credit, even if I didn’t need it, and I never really had a social life, nor did I ever participate in extra-curriculars, all because I believed that academia was all that mattered.  I went to college with the same mindset, graduated with a 3.8 GPA, and, ultimately, I ended up with a mountain of debt and not a single job offer to date that would provide me with a liveable wage.  Between my husband and myself (both of us with 4 year degrees, plus grad school for me) we don’t even make enough money to be required to make payments on our student loans, and we’re almost 5 years out of college!  I see things more clearly now, in hindsight, and had I focused more on making friends than getting straight A’s, I might have connections and contacts to help me get good job interviews over being a socially awkward mess.

So, my children will miss 4 days of school this year for pre-planned weekend vacations, and, I refuse to tell their school anything other than  both my kids feel “sick” on those day.  I would love to tell them that we are participating in a sea turtle conservation project, or going to the Smithsonian, or participating in a Run Disney race, but, if I do that, then I have a battle on my hands.  A battle where I have to argue and justify and meet ridiculous standards to get approval, all because my kids are more of a dollar sign than people, and if they miss school, the school doesn’t get paid.  It becomes so much easier to fake a 24 hour bug than to explain that you want your children to experience life, not spend all of it cramped up into textbooks.

And, yes, I’m aware that I could do certain vacations while school is out, but do you know what a nightmare that is?  In many cases, the no-school-day is a national holiday, which means everything but retail places are closed.  MMMM, so much delicious education to be found at Walmart!  Then you have the Summer break, which, if you want to go anywhere, you’ll be fighting monstrous heat and crowds.  So I can go to the Smithsonian in July, when there are hundreds of people crammed into each exhibit and my short, little children can’t see or enjoy a thing, or I can go in mid-October where there are maybe twenty people hanging around the museum, along with a school tour or two, and we can actually experience and enjoy the place.

How about any of you guys?  Have you taken your kids out of school for a life experience and said they were sick?  Do you have to fight with your school to get vacation time excused?  Do you think it’s too much power for a government office to have over a family?