Most people face an interesting experience during their first pregnancy – all of their friends disappear by the time the baby is born! This is especially true if you are the first among your buddies to reproduce, and it makes being a new mother even more isolating and stressful than it already is. I’ve been there and done that, and as soon as my son was born, I went from seeing my best friend almost daily to maybe once every few months. All other “friends” fell off the face of the earth and found that my life wasn’t cute and fun any more.
It happens, I get that not everyone will be friends from womb to tomb, but what has bothered me is that everyone told me that I would make new friends to fit my new life. Yet, flash forward ten years later, I have still never really found anyone. Here are the stereotypes of who I end up meeting, and why they don’t fit my lifestyle:
- The single lady who wants you to drop everything to go to clubs, parties, or to hang out at hours awkward for you (either just before school lets out, or way late at night). She doesn’t get that you are not able to be available with zero notice, and that childcare isn’t free or easy to come by – not to mention the fact that clubbing is WAY behind you in life and going to a party full of strangers does not peak your interest. In fact, saying you just want to be at home with your husband on his day off is offensive to them, claiming that you never make any time for your friendship. Well, I could much easier if you would make plans with me instead of throwing last second offers my way. But, I ask you to schedule lunch a week or two in advance and you can’t because you don’t know what you’re doing then.
- The pushy person that you just met, but who has no other friends and wants to treat you like you’ve been BFF’s for 20 years. They sit you down and tell you every problem they have in life, their entire life history, including how they are currently living with a married man while his wife is deployed (NOT a good thing to tell a married woman right off the bat!), and then want you to be there for them while they cry it all out – and you just met them 15 minutes ago for lunch! For me, that becomes too much too fast, and it kills my ability to form an opinion about this person before getting all of their negative issues dumped in my lap.
- The woman who is great, but she lives way too far away. She lives two or three counties away, if not more, and it’s a huge ordeal just to drive to their house. Their shops and hot spots are the compete opposite of yours, and even though you’d like to make it work, there is not enough time or gas money in the day for that to happen. Sure, you can still talk on the phone, but you soon realize that you don’t have a lot of interests in common, so, after a while of not being in the same area, you run out of things to talk about.
- The too busy lady that has a full calendar from 7am to 9pm everyday. She works rotating shifts and has a huge social life, or is always going on vacation, so no amount of advanced planning gets your two in the same room together.
- The brand new mom or pregnant lady that doesn’t seem to have a clue that her life is not about what SHE wants any more, and it’s about what she has to do to be the best mom. Sometimes they still want to go party like nothing is different, or they want you to constantly babysit for them so that they can have a date night, or go club hopping, with other people.
- The band new mom or pregnant lady who has it all figured out, including a full list of everything that you are doing wrong as a parent. The simple truth is that EVERYONE has perfect parenting ideas before they actually have children that they’re trying to apply those rules to. All I can think is: when their kids get here and aren’t asleep at 8pm, aren’t eating an organic diet 100% of the time, and aren’t sweet little darlings, I hope their pretentiousness stops and they start making phone calls to apologize for their judgmental behavior.
- The no-shows who make plans with you, confirm the plans time and time again, then do not bother to show up or even call to cancel. Then, when you ask them what happened, they are offended that you questioned them, or had some kind of drama (that the created and is constantly an excuse to be a flake). One time another mom begged me to reserve us a spot in an event, and I did it, but then she bailed, with no warning. I asked her to at least pay me back, like she was supposed to at the event anyways, and she yelled at me that she didn’t have to answer to me, but she didn’t have the money and that’s why she didn’t attend, and since she didn’t go, she owes me nothing! I was unfriended and blocked seconds later!
- The not-so-new mom who has way too many kids to handle, or who just never makes their one kid behave. Hey, I get it, kids are never perfect all the time, and when you are out in the world they figure out quickly that you won’t punish them to an audience, but, there’s a limit. For me, when a kid is being a continuous brat, and you, as the parent, aren’t even trying to intervene or put a stop to it, that tells me all that I need to know about you. Likewise, saying “use your words” like a gentle little lamb is not solving the problem, and you know it, that’s why your 8 year old is still hitting other kids in the face.
- The I’m-Better-Than-You lady. This is such a broad stereotype, but these women come to meet you for lunch or a shopping trip, then spend the entire time acting like they’re doing you a favor. They like to talk down to you (“don’t you know…,” “well, I would never put up with…,” “I can’t believe that you…”), as if they are so far above your level, and, in reality, you don’t even like this woman, she just keeps following you around to make herself feel superior.
I actually moved out of a rental house to get away from a woman at my son’s school who followed me around town just to play holier-than-thou. She was so ridiculously in my business that she would ask me such invasive things, like why did I need to take my dog to the vet (she watched threw her windows as I loaded a dog crate into my car), or what was in the big box that the mailman left at my door. One day she even approached me to say “I saw your son had pizza in his lunchbox today. That’s left over from his birthday right? Don’t you know that *nag nag nag*.” I hated her, and I tried many times to politely tell her to back the flip off, even to the point of ignoring her or walking away when I found her offensive. But, for whatever reason, she decided that I was her best buddy and that she needed to verbalize every thought in her head.
Another Better-Than-You woman was one that I met for lunch. We had been talking for a while, and seemed to be hitting it off fairly well. Then, she looks at me and tells me that she usually doesn’t waste her time with “weird people who like sci-fi and tv and Disney stuff.” If she had said it with a laugh or a smile, I wouldn’t have been bothered, but the faces she made when describing a few of my interests made her seem disgusted by it. Personally, I follow the My Little Pony stance on life, where there’s more than one way to be a girl, and having friends that are very different from yourself is a positive thing. Sure I get aggravated and hold high standards, but I judge people based on who they show me they are as a person over something as stupid as whether or not they watch the SyFy Channel. That just seems like telling someone you can’t be their friend because they like birds and you like dogs – it is one small facet of someone’s life. I tried to brush it off and move on, but it was such a condescending comment that it killed the entire lunch momentum for me.
Am I crazy, or are good people getting harder and harder to come by? I’ve met so many people that have made me question if I live in a different universe from them, because common sense and basic politeness have vanished. I’m certainly not perfect, and I am open to meeting any decent new gal pals, but I also don’t want to try to force a square to fit inside of a circle shaped hole. I don’t mind single friends, but I need them to understand that I’m not single and free and available at all times to hang out. The drinking and partying days are way behind me, and I’m not going backwards. I’m also not just entertainment for when you’re bored, or free childcare. I can’t have a mom with bratty kids beating up on my children, or it’s miserable to be around you. And I don’t have to do and think exactly as you do to be worth knowing. Do other moms have this problem or am I just way too picky in life? I don’t really mind being friendless for the most part, but I keep trying to find someone to clique with, thinking that I can’t be the only person like me out there in the world.
Trying to Mom 