The Secret Truths of Labor and Recovery

I just barely survived labor for the 3rd time, here’s some things I’d like to share that no one ever talks about:

• Every pregnancy can be completely different in terms of morning sickness, fatigue, and even severe pain levels. Likewise, labors are as alike as they are different too.
• Remember how you don’t have your period for 9 months?  Well, once you have a baby, those missing periods will be immediately flowing out of you with a vengeance for the next week. NO ONE ever warns you about that!
• Expect stitches. Whether vaginal or not, stitches are impossible to avoid.
• Every doctor delivers differently, and the technique will probably be a complete surprise to you.  Hospitals also vary a lot in procedure and policy.
• Many women think female doctors will be nicer. I’ve found them to be less empathetic than male obgyns. One female doctor even told me to quit whinning because the pain of labor wasn’t that bad – and this was while I was in the last 10 minutes of labor!
• Some doctors will not come to your labor until after their office closes for the day. I was left in agony, ready to deliver for several hours, and I was told the doctor wouldn’t come until after business hours ended…
• Epidurals are stressful to get, maddening to have, and they can wear off. With my 1st, I didn’t feel a thing after the needle was in. With my second, the epidural went in fine but the effects wore off by 7 cm, so I felt the worst of everything for hours. With my 3rd, I was having a panic attack because they couldn’t get it in right and kept hitting nerves that made my leg twitch uncontrollably. Then the drugs stopped working right at the end so I felt nothing but misery anyways.  Epidural, for me, have been like playing Russian roulette with my sanity, and I cannot stand being uncomfortable, yet not being able to move my lower body to fix myself.
• You may not have underwear or pants for days after having a baby. Some places let me get dressed immediately, some made me wait almost 2 days. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like walking around or having visitors while having no clothes on!
• Everything south of your neck hurts or burns.
• You may feel fine after childbirth, or you may have continuing contraction pains for weeks.  It’s a surprise which you’ll get!
• It will start to feel like the hospital staff are there to torment you. You will be woken up at all hours of the night for protocol. You will be made to feel like you have no say so over anything being done to you or your baby. And you will be ready to kill everyone around you by the end of your stay, even if they are trying to be nice about it all.
• There is no modesty, privacy, or dignity offered to you at the hospital. The staff doesn’t care whose in the room, they are pulling your lady parts out as they see fit, for everyone to see, even in non-emergency situations. Choose your visitors carefully, and don’t be shy to kick people out of the room. It’s your labor, your pain, and your choice – they can deal with it.
• Don’t be ashamed when nurses start asking you things you don’t know. If you haven’t researched circumcision – ask them about it!  If you don’t know what the heck skin to skin means – speak up!  It’s a lot of craziness and havoc, so don’t fell stupid or like a bad mom if you haven’t figured everything out yet. You’ll catch up with hands on experience, but things change so fast even I didn’t know a lot of terms flying around in my last labor.
• Don’t feel the need to over share. Friends and relatives, even strangers, like to push you for private details. Remember, it’s your birth, your baby, and your story, so you get to decide who to tell what.
• Doctors and researchers make up new rules every few years. Block them out and rely on your own experience or beliefs, because a one-size-fits-all system is ridiculous. Apparently, now baby powder, lotion, and baths are all on the no-no list.  Similarly, doctors like to play guinea pig with your baby about when he can eat what. For instance, they say no cereal in the formula for 6 months when most moms actually use it around 1 month for the sake of getting more than 10 minutes of sleep at a time. Yes, it’s a common practice among moms to give lip service to the doctors while doing whatever the hell we feel is right at home. If you aren’t a drug addict or another type of person who would make bad choices, you CAN figure out what your baby needs and handle that independently from what the AMA recommends.
• Explain to your spouse beforehand if you don’t want picture or videos involving a person exiting your body. Some women love them, but I find it violating to photograph that. Make sure your husband knows where you stand and respects that.
• This applies to every day life too, but especially when a baby is being born:  don’t put nude baby photos online!  It’s not that I find it perverted, but I think you should respect the person that this infant will grow into. Anything you put online is forever, and then you can’t control who saves or reposts an image. Imagine applying for college, and when that kid’s name is Google, naked baby photos pop up.  Give your kid some privacy, because they won’t find those photos cute EVER, I promise.  Keep those privates away from public eyes.

I Wanted a Girl, but I Had a Boy

I’m not pregnant, but I was about ten years ago, and all I could fixate on for many months was how badly I wanted a little girl.  I would guess it’s normal for most parents to want a child that is the same gender as themselves, almost like it gives that parent a home team advantage.  After all, I was a little girl, I know what little girls like and how they play and what hurts their feelings and what makes their day.  Plus, let me tell you, back when I was pregnant they had NO cute clothes for little boys in my low-income price range.

Now, due to a series of unusual events, I changed doctors multiple times.  Hopefully, this little story here will tell you why you want to research your doctors and look for good reviews before you become their patient. One of my doctor changes was due to my moving at five months pregnant.  The other is a tale of frustration and pregnancy hormones. 

I showed up for an OBGYN appointed, they told me they had called and spoken with my mother to cancel it – which was impossible because my mother lived on the other side of the state and they did not have her information, and then the place sent me a bill for not showing up to my appointment.  I called to argue this bill and the receptionist put me on “hold” for over 45 minutes – and by hold I mean she set the phone next to the keyboard and I listed to her type the entire time.  I was so furious that I wrote a five page letter telling the staff how incompetent they were, that they never spoke with my mother (I called and confirmed that was a lie), and that I would not pay for them cancelling the appointment on me.  Their response was 1) to kick me out of their clientele, and 2) to send the bill to collections.  

Before I was kicked out, I had had two ultrasounds done (the only two during my pregnancy), once at 12 weeks and once at 16 weeks.  At 16 weeks we were supposed to find out the gender and bring a VHS tape to record the ultrasound and all that.  However, when I got to that appointment I was left in the waiting room for over an hour past my scheduled time.  The doctor finally came out in the lobby while escorting a lone, male contractor out of the office, and another 20 minutes after that I was allowed to enter the exam room.  Now, it was well past noon, and clearly the doctor was hungry, because he refused to take my VHS, spent two minutes on the ultrasound, NOT finding out the gender, then made me feel mocked because he kept asking if my husband was in fact my brother, as if he couldn’t conceive that I wasn’t a single mom. 

After I was booted from this doctor, I was venting my anger about this practice to various friends and family members, and all of them told me the same thing – that doctor had just recently gotten his license back because he was selling and using prescription drugs.  After hearing that, I went to research that information in the library (back in the days when you did such things, as Google wasn’t really around then) and low and behold they were right.  There were multiple newspaper articles about this doctor being arrested, and that he did not have the ability to admit patients to the hospital any longer!  None of this was disclosed to me by their office when I first randomly selected this OBGYN and became a client.  But, you would think if anyone was willing to give this doctor a chance, they would be treated like gold instead of the dirt under his feet.  Again, though, ladies and gentlemen, always do your research!  We have things like Yelp and Google Reviews today, there’s no reason not to find out the best and worst about a doctor before you take your pants off for him.

But, back to the topic at hand, I was a broke mom-to-be, and 3D ultrasounds hadn’t been invented yet, so I had no idea what gender my baby was going to be.  I had wished so badly for a girl that I even bought a few Hello Kitty onsies and brought them to the hospital with me, along with some yellow outfits, just in case.  However, when the big moment finally came and the nurses yelled “it’s a boy!” I almost cried.  Really, a huge, gooey alien had just popped out of my lady parts and was screaming bloody murder, I couldn’t move my legs because of the magical epidural, and that overwhelming feeling got compacted with the disappointment of not having your wish granted.  I thought I was about to lose it!

 

At the risk of sounding more and more like a horrendous person, I have to honestly admit that it felt like a loss to have a boy, and I had no advance notification prior to the delivery to adapt to that idea.  I had wanted a baby girl so badly that it really took some time for me to cope and feel happy about having a son.  And that’s nothing against the child himself, because he’s been around for a long time now and I love him to tears, but at that point, for many reasons, I had no plans on ever having another baby and I felt like a dream had gone up in smoke.  I know I can’t be the only parent to ever feel that way, even though most won’t dare talk about such things, but I think it’s important that people, especially women, are given the opportunity.  It’s vital to be honest and process and cope with realities that happen in life without being punished or shamed or treated like a monster. 

Yes, I wish I had had a daughter ten years ago.  Yes, I love my son and am very happy with how he’s grown and turned out.  Both outcomes are allowed to exist in my heart at the same time because feelings and life are complex (and, no, that isn’t a suggestion to dress your son up like a little girl to cope – that’s a whole different can of worms!).

Ultimately, though, I did end up with a second marriage, followed by a second baby, and a little girl, so I get to have the best of both sides in parenting.