So, I have a pair of in-laws that are pieces of work, to say the least. They managed to raise two boys in a very big atmosphere of “you’re my favorite.” One got a 1980s used car when he turned 16, the other got a brand new, super loaded pick-up truck (which he wrecked and then was given ANOTHER brand new, super loaded pick-up truck!). One got in trouble for smoking at age 18, the other was using and dealing drugs at 14, and no one ever seriously tried to stop him. To say the least, there were some majorly unequal standards set between their two children, which led to a lifetime of problems and resentment between brothers. Now, as the wife of the former brother (ie, the non-drugged out one), I’ve heard so many stories about unfair, unequal treatment, and I can safely say that it has continued to the next generation.
Typically, I fall into the category of it’s-your-baby-don’t-expect-other-people-to-do-anything-for-it, but there’s a limit when you feel particularly singled out. My brother-in-law ended up with four children with three women in two years (no multiple births). No job, didn’t pay child support, bailed on the mothers when he got tired of being responsible. The brother turned out just how he was raised – never having to do anything he didn’t want to do. Now, inbetween the brother’s litters of kids, my husband and I had our daughter. For a hot minute, our daughter was special in my husband’s family as the only girl, but, seven years later, both of our kids are ultimately ignored by their grandparents.
The feelings of being shunned started early on, too. I was in my second trimester when the brother’s first set of babies were being born. The in-laws would freak out and fuss that they needed to get the crib together, create handmade baby blankets, buy this and that, and even bring back gifts from their vacations for their grandchildren-to-be. Our baby got no acknowledgement, which was hurtful to me, and I know it bothered my husband much more than he would say. He tries to let things go quickly, but some things are too much not to stand up against.
The in-laws had promised to get us a crib as well. They offered to do it almost out of spite because my husband said something on MySpace after being irritated that his parents had bought everything for his brother’s two babies, and we were just as poor as they were. But, even though they made sure to announce that our crib was coming during the baby shower (that they were otherwise empty handed at), by eight months pregnant, we still had no crib. So, finally, my husband calls them to ask when it was going to happen, because babies arrive early all the time. Asking that question just angered the in-laws. His father told him “you’ll get it when you god damn get it!” and hung up on him.
Well, we didn’t care for that answer, so we told them to forget it, went to Walmart, and got our own crib. Then I posted a MySpace blog about how cruel and rude they were about the matter, especially considering that at four month pregnant the baby mamas of the brother had their cribs. That certainly caused a stir! Not only did they show up with a crib we no longer needed, but my father-in-law cursed us out and tried to tell us what horrible people we were for complaining about the situation publicly (if the 24 MySpace friends I had, the only people who could read the post, was considered public). Essentially, they only bought and brought us the crib because we embarrassed them and they wanted to be able to say I was crazy if anyone they knew should ever question them on the topic. At that point, the extra crib was returned and charged back to the in-laws credit card because they were too late, we had already bought and assembled a crib – which was what my whole blog centered around. I thought they had gotten the hint about not treating our baby like a second-class family member, and that I would not take the imbalances quietly, but alas, the crib was just the start in a long line of disappointments.
For many years we’d see no gifts for the kids at Xmas. Every so often we might get a box with toys in February or March, and one year, out of seven, we’ve actually gotten gifts for the kids in December. We thought they’d turned a corner that year and actually started caring, but then it went back to business as usual the next year.
Birthdays are hit and miss. They always claim that they have too many grandchildren, so they “forget” when their birthdays are. I’m sorry, but ultimately six kids is not that damned much to remember. My grandmother had 12 children and almost 50 grandchildren and, even as a woman on welfare, she was very kindly and prompt with giving gifts to everyone on their birthdays. Some years my in-laws might send a check between $5 to $20, other years my daughter might get an empty card four months after her birthday, and, more often than not, my daughter gets nothing. Now, it’s not about the amount you send, it’s about a child being able to grow up feeling like she matters. Even if they went out and bought her little things from the Dollar Tree, it would still be something from the grandparents.
Sometimes the in-laws would insist that they were dirt poor, and therefore couldn’t afford any gifts. That would be a believable excuse if I didn’t actually know them. However, like true hypocrites, then they would go golfing four days a week, which is no cheap sport, constantly eat out, and have time shares in Florida. Plus, they go out of their way to brag to us about how much they’ve bought for the brother’s horde of children. I can’t tell you how many times my mother-in-law would pull me over to her trunk and show me 20-30 outfits, just to show off to me how much she’d spent on her other grandchildren. When my husband finally got upset enough to say something, his parents said that they only do it because they know their son won’t provide for his own children. I’m sorry, but we spent many years on welfare ourselves, and even if they know their son is a dirt bag, how can you buy 30 outfits for some of your grandchildren and not even one for your other grandchild? Even at six grandchildren, you could buy each of them five outfits a piece. And if you really want to act like that is a good enough excuse, or a legitimate excuse at all, then why are you rubbing the clothes you didn’t buy for our kids in our faces? That excuse is just a pathetic way to prove, over and over, that you are still playing favorites for whatever reasons that you can conjure up.
Even this past Xmas, my mother-in-law sent my husband a Facebook message and told him that they were going to be late with Xmas presents again. My husband literally wrote back with “okay” and his drama mama retorted with “well, we’re just too broke! It’s not my fault! We’re not spending it all on your niece if that’s what you’re thinking!” At that point my husband’s niece was living with the in-laws, and she was very much the daughter they always wanted, but never had. Now, not only is it August at this point, and not even so much as a card was given to my kids, but then my mother-in-law is bragging on the phone about how she went to her other grandson’s birthday party and bought him tons of Ninja Turtles goodies. They won’t make the trip to come to our kids’ parties, or send them anything for their birthdays or Xmases, but apparently she couldn’t stand the thought of showing up to that grandson’s party empty handed, so bought lots of items to “make up for birthdays she missed.” Make up for Xmas first or just shut up about the whole thing in front of us!
Am I nuts or is this completely unacceptable grandparent behavior? I don’t care if we end up as millionaires, don’t treat your grandchildren differently, or act as if one is more deserving than another. Even simple things like homemade blankets are too much for them to care about. In these seven years the in-laws haven’t even offered to take the kids somewhere, to a free park or anything – not even to let them spend the night at their house- and they claim to be on the door of bankruptcy, but then they turn around and join golfing leagues that are over an hour from their house and have high end cable plans and other optional expenses. It’s not even about my kids when they start screaming they’re broke, it’s about crying wolf when they clearly aren’t making any sacrifices to the lifestyle that they shouldn’t be able to afford unless they’re lying to cover their behavior. Which they clearly are. It just made me insane until I got to the point where I simply refuse to go out of my way to deal with them any more.
I’ve decided it’s not my job to make excuses for anyone, and I’ve stopped trying to do so for these grandparents. Their grandchildren will grow up having a very vague idea of who they are, and they will remember that they watched as presents were handed out to other grandchildren at Xmas, but not to them. That is the legacy of hurt that these in-laws of mine have chosen to provide, and if my kids refuse to speak to them or go to their funerals one day, I can’t say that I’d blame them.
Trying to Mom 