I’m not pregnant, but I was about ten years ago, and all I could fixate on for many months was how badly I wanted a little girl. I would guess it’s normal for most parents to want a child that is the same gender as themselves, almost like it gives that parent a home team advantage. After all, I was a little girl, I know what little girls like and how they play and what hurts their feelings and what makes their day. Plus, let me tell you, back when I was pregnant they had NO cute clothes for little boys in my low-income price range.
Now, due to a series of unusual events, I changed doctors multiple times. Hopefully, this little story here will tell you why you want to research your doctors and look for good reviews before you become their patient. One of my doctor changes was due to my moving at five months pregnant. The other is a tale of frustration and pregnancy hormones.
I showed up for an OBGYN appointed, they told me they had called and spoken with my mother to cancel it – which was impossible because my mother lived on the other side of the state and they did not have her information, and then the place sent me a bill for not showing up to my appointment. I called to argue this bill and the receptionist put me on “hold” for over 45 minutes – and by hold I mean she set the phone next to the keyboard and I listed to her type the entire time. I was so furious that I wrote a five page letter telling the staff how incompetent they were, that they never spoke with my mother (I called and confirmed that was a lie), and that I would not pay for them cancelling the appointment on me. Their response was 1) to kick me out of their clientele, and 2) to send the bill to collections.
Before I was kicked out, I had had two ultrasounds done (the only two during my pregnancy), once at 12 weeks and once at 16 weeks. At 16 weeks we were supposed to find out the gender and bring a VHS tape to record the ultrasound and all that. However, when I got to that appointment I was left in the waiting room for over an hour past my scheduled time. The doctor finally came out in the lobby while escorting a lone, male contractor out of the office, and another 20 minutes after that I was allowed to enter the exam room. Now, it was well past noon, and clearly the doctor was hungry, because he refused to take my VHS, spent two minutes on the ultrasound, NOT finding out the gender, then made me feel mocked because he kept asking if my husband was in fact my brother, as if he couldn’t conceive that I wasn’t a single mom.
After I was booted from this doctor, I was venting my anger about this practice to various friends and family members, and all of them told me the same thing – that doctor had just recently gotten his license back because he was selling and using prescription drugs. After hearing that, I went to research that information in the library (back in the days when you did such things, as Google wasn’t really around then) and low and behold they were right. There were multiple newspaper articles about this doctor being arrested, and that he did not have the ability to admit patients to the hospital any longer! None of this was disclosed to me by their office when I first randomly selected this OBGYN and became a client. But, you would think if anyone was willing to give this doctor a chance, they would be treated like gold instead of the dirt under his feet. Again, though, ladies and gentlemen, always do your research! We have things like Yelp and Google Reviews today, there’s no reason not to find out the best and worst about a doctor before you take your pants off for him.
But, back to the topic at hand, I was a broke mom-to-be, and 3D ultrasounds hadn’t been invented yet, so I had no idea what gender my baby was going to be. I had wished so badly for a girl that I even bought a few Hello Kitty onsies and brought them to the hospital with me, along with some yellow outfits, just in case. However, when the big moment finally came and the nurses yelled “it’s a boy!” I almost cried. Really, a huge, gooey alien had just popped out of my lady parts and was screaming bloody murder, I couldn’t move my legs because of the magical epidural, and that overwhelming feeling got compacted with the disappointment of not having your wish granted. I thought I was about to lose it!
At the risk of sounding more and more like a horrendous person, I have to honestly admit that it felt like a loss to have a boy, and I had no advance notification prior to the delivery to adapt to that idea. I had wanted a baby girl so badly that it really took some time for me to cope and feel happy about having a son. And that’s nothing against the child himself, because he’s been around for a long time now and I love him to tears, but at that point, for many reasons, I had no plans on ever having another baby and I felt like a dream had gone up in smoke. I know I can’t be the only parent to ever feel that way, even though most won’t dare talk about such things, but I think it’s important that people, especially women, are given the opportunity. It’s vital to be honest and process and cope with realities that happen in life without being punished or shamed or treated like a monster.
Yes, I wish I had had a daughter ten years ago. Yes, I love my son and am very happy with how he’s grown and turned out. Both outcomes are allowed to exist in my heart at the same time because feelings and life are complex (and, no, that isn’t a suggestion to dress your son up like a little girl to cope – that’s a whole different can of worms!).
Ultimately, though, I did end up with a second marriage, followed by a second baby, and a little girl, so I get to have the best of both sides in parenting.
Trying to Mom 